I couldn’t keep up

I’m happy here in France, but there are times i miss indonesia, i started to think about the good times i had growing up there, but then again... was it all "good times"?

To think back, i was never considered beautiful. You know, the beauty standards of Indonesian if you’ve got a couple of kg too much, you’re ugly. And speaking of those extra kilos, I’ve got a lot of it. And there i was puking after every meal trying to lose some weight just to meet the beauty standards i was surrounded by, i started to loose my haire cause my body doesn’t get rhe nutrition i needed, i mean how could it? Everything that goes in my body came directly out i had nothing to digest. But still, loosing 30kg wasn’t enough for my obese body. I’m still considered fat and not as pretty as the other girls. But then i came in France and being fat suddenly is not the measurements on how you see the beauty in people. I gained more and more confidence on myself. I started to loose more weight in a healthier way, i just couldn’t keep up with the constant downgrading look and comment (most of the times said indirectly but i get what y’all dissing about) so i push myself more than i could’ve to meet your standard.

I took a fat burning pill, for all i know if i was still in Indonesia, this kind of thing is something that my mom will suggest me to take. But when my french friends learned that i took those pills, they were like what why do you take this you’re already pretty. 

The endless beauty treatment, laser, masks, epilating every inch of your hair on your body, then taking a super expensive treatment for your hair on your head. What if i dont want to do those things? I know it’s fine, but then I’m not meeting your beauty standards, then in a way I’ll be pressured to do so. I just couldn’t keep up.

Now i feel beautiful, i feel appreciated and loved, i feel important and i feel like i don’t need to take extreme mesures to be as beautiful as your beauty standard.

But i know if one day i had to go back to Indonesia, i won’t feel the same.

The fake Instagram photos not showing a shadow of flaw, having the need to have more and more followers or else you’re a loser, the stories where you hang out 24/7 with friends showing the glamorous life you have, you don’t need to put your life on instagram for every people to see. As if your life is the best. I couldn’t keep up with that. I would be too busy actually enjoying life and enjoying my good company instead of putting every second of it on instagram.

You just bought a brand new latest iPhone, that’s cool. Was it your own money that you work for? Was it paid full on hand? Do you have to eat as minimal budgeted as you can for the rest of the month after your purchase? 

Do you eat at fancy restaurants every day? Do you hang out at the chicest places with your friends every other day? Do you have designer clothes? 

I couldn’t keep up with that overly consomptive life style.

I wouldn’t survive the standard now that i think of if one day i got to go back. That’s why i want to stay. I need to life a better life on my own way, not trying helplessly to meet all of that meaningless standards.