Can I Love You?

i haven’t posted in a while, so many things had happened. 3 weeks ago i had a date with this guy from tinder, he’s not really my type but he super liked me so i appreciate his like, plus he’s not so bad looking anyway. So we meet at au brasseur where he waited for me on the bridge. He’s tall and muscular, dark brown eyes, short hair. He’s not so bad. We had an okay-ish date that day since we’re talking in french and my french is not that good to be able to engage a full non stop conversation with him. I can’t read him the whole date, is he interested on me? We did not talk about the ‘the next time’ at all so will there be the next time? He drove me home and a good 30 minutes later, he texted me again. YES. This means he IS interested on me. We kept chatting by social media, until one day he told me he haven’t tasted my cake that i promised to make him, oh yeah he’s trying to hint me to meet for the second time. How cute. So we ended up meeting for the second time to a movie, we had no idea what movie we wanted to see but we just go anyway. The whole movie i knew that part of our hand touched not for a coincidence. But he didn’t take my hand. Until the end of the movie.. i think he knew he’s running out of time or something then he put his hand on my tight. My heart race like crazy, i started to move my hand closer and closer to his hand then he took my hand. We went out of the movie holding hands. All the way to the restaurant we’re gonna eat at. We went back to my place and we started kissing, i wasn’t ready for sex and i told him that i have never done it, and he told me it’s okay if i don’t want to do it yet. He asked me whether he can still stay the night at my place and he promised to be a saint. He was being a saint, i let him touched me in places but whenever I’m uncomfortable i said no and he stopped. Sleeping next to him was so nice. I put my head on his muscular hand, while stroking his chest, he got a tattoo on his left chest. But i kept telling myself can i love you? Third date we made it official. He asked me whether I’m still on tinder and i said I’ve deleted the app but not my account. He asked me if i still need it. I told him i don’t know. He told me am i not your boyfriend? I said i don’t know, you tell me. He said well i say yes but you have to say yes too. And i said yes. He slept at my place and i remember looking at his sleeping face and told myself can i love you?
We’re a couple now. I kept telling myself i don’t think i can fall for him. He’s not the kind of guys i fall for. But he’s so sweet and cute. I kept freaking out over little things like when he left his toothbrush at my place, when he did not reply me or worst, he replied but in the littlest way and i would think is this guy bored of me or something? But everytime i started to think so he would say something sweet that makes me think otherwise. He’s not perfect, so many things about him make me feel like he’s not for me but the way he talk to me i know that he fall for me big time. Why can’t i do the same with you? It’s unfair for you. I told myself, if you told me i love you anytime soon i would’ve freak out and maybe want to break up with you. Then last monday, we were on my bed just getting comfy, you look into my eyes and said “i want to tell you something” i knew what this is but i ask you still “what?” “Je t’aime”. I smiled... silence...... and i ask you “are you serious?” You look disappointed that i did not say i love you back, because i wasn’t ready to say i love you. But guess what? The fact that you said that made me open my heart up and i think I’m starting to fall for you. I want to make this fair for you too. I want to be able to love you as much as you love me but I’m afraid i’d be the one who got deep into sadness if we broke up. For now, i’ll let my heart speak for myself and i hope one day i can finally say i love you and meant it.