It’s okay if it’s not okay

In the beginning, Gabriel said that i landed such a jackpot. You were so cute, hot and tall. I like being that girl holding your hands waking around Strasbourg. The times where we sit by the river just feeling like we’re so in love. My gosh how can that just go away just like that. The day i cried all night, Gabriel stroke my head and he said, i took back what i said, he’s not a jackpot, you are his jackpot. I tried to do everything right, trying to be the perfect girlfriend. I wanted to be the best one you had. I never force you to do or not do anything because i don’t want or like it. I tolerate the things that i hated from french people that you do, because i loved you. I love doing sweet gestures like buying you an energy drink because i know how much you like it. I wish you could see how much i loved you, i wish you’re not that much of a dick that you left me just like that. I feel like a piece of shit. I never see a future with you, but one thing i know is that i enjoyed every single second i had with you. Even until now, i can’t seem to hate you despite how bad you’ve treated me post breakup. I still think that you’re worth every single thing that I’ve given you. Even everyone said that you’re not. I was head over heels for you. I didn’t realise it when we were together but i guess you appreciated everything more once it’s gone huh? I’m still not okay. Better but not okay. I still had those moments when i ended up staring at your instagram posts thinking how much i miss you. My sister gave me an article about moving on, where there’s 5 stages of it. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I think i’ve passed through denial, i know that you’re not mine anymore, that you don’t love me, i think I’ve skipped the whole anger stage because i am not mad at you, disappointed yes, but not mad. Why can’t i be mad at you? I never been able to hate you. I wish i could but i can’t. Even my friends are madder at you than i am. Bargaining, i’ve told myself i would do anything to be back with you, but i know that it’s useless. I even thought of myself, if you just wanted a sex friend or an open relationship, i would do it for you just because i can’t let you go. I know that will hurt  me more than anything though. Depression, all those nights i cried for you, all the friends i rejected to meet because i was too depressed to fake my happiness, all the calls and chats i ignored from my friends and family. All is left is acceptances, i haven’t got to that stage yet. Soon hopefully. 

Your best friend did quite a good job on cheering me up though. He message me on instagram to check how i was doing. Telling me how good i am, of course i knew that but hearing from someone else, especially someone who’s so close to you just make me feel a lot better. He’s being super nice. I don’t talk much with him but he’s a good company. I wish it was you though. I wish it was you who tried to check up on me seeing if I’m okay, it was you who told me all the sweet things Sylvain has said to me, but it’s not possible. You don’t care anymore. Maybe you never did, i don’t know. 

I am all about self love, i love myself and i am happy being me. But from the day you broke my heart, that was the day where i found myself saying that i hate me a lot of times. I hate myself for ever falling for you, i hate myself for loving you, i hate myself for not going with my guts and broke up with you in the beginning of our relationship. All the self blaming where i know that it wasn’t my fault. I know I’ve done everything right, it was you who was just being such a jerk and let me go. You just let go a jackpot that i know i am. A couple of days ago shabrina tagged me on a post saying “they said the best way to get over someone is to love someone else, i figure if i can love myself more than i love you, boom, then you’re gone”. Of course i knew this, but reading this post slaps me thinking that i need to start acting than just acknowledging stuff that i should’ve done. I’m going to relove myself, more than i ever loved you, then one day BOOM, you’re gone.