Crying for help

I know we’re only together for a month, but you really broke my heart. 

I turn down hang outs from my friends. Me, a super extrovert girl who can’t say no to meeting other people, i turn them down. Because i know i will be there but my mind would be wandering off trying to find ways to get over you, every little things reminding le of you. The streets we walked on, the places we visited together, the moments we spend together, the little kisses you gave me. I can’t even watch la casa de papel without thinking about you because you’re the reason i started watching that series. How we talked about our favorite characters. My mind is not far from thinking about you. 

I don’t cry anymore, but there’s this hallow feeling that won’t go away. All i wanted is to talk to you again. Hearing your crazy stories. I’m so afraid of getting my heart broken, the way you did to me. At one point i thought to myself maybe being all by myself, never falling in love, never getting married is better than having to go through another heart break. 

I still don’t know whether i really love you or not. I feel like i do but is love that shallow for me? Did i really fall in love with you in one month time? Did you ever loved me? Did you meant what you said? If you do, why would you leave me for a stupid reason? It doesn’t make any sense because if you love someone, you would want to be with them. I knew you were a fuckboy from day one, but the way you treated me, the way you make it as if you were serious with me, makes me doubt myself. I thought to myself maybe i thought of you the wrong way. Maybe you are a fuckboy but tou really are serious with me. But i guess i was right all along. You are a fuckboy who doesn’t want to be tied down and i can’t do anything about it.

I still miss you though. I miss your sweet little message. When you called me “ma chérie”, when you say that you don’t want to sleep because you would only physically be there for me but not really with me, i miss the little kiss on my cheek, i miss holding your hands. i miss scratching your back, i miss sleeping in your arms, i miss talking with you, i miss hearing your day, i miss your snapchats that you sent me, i miss stroking your hair, i miss watching you drive, i miss looking forward to your morning message. i miss you. 

I know i no longer cry for you but tu me manques, literally, you’re missing from me. 

I’m crying for help, trying to ask people to give me the relief that i need, trying to get answers, trying to get over you. I posted things as if I’m happy in life like my life is okay without you, i could still go partying, laughing, living my life but the truth is I’m crying for help inside. I’m tired of trying to look as if I’m okay. I am not. my heart aches because of you. I feel uneasy surrounded by people, I’m not myself. Those guys from tinder who chats me doesn’t make me want to reply them because inwant you. 

I have to let you go, i have to move on from you, i have to be myself again