Missing you

i miss you, no, i’m not talking about my ex. Worst. I’m talking about his best friend. I don’t know why, but i miss him. Even though i know we’re not vibing when we see each other but honestly, the only guy i would’ve want to sleep with right now is him. Well he did tried to but that time i wasn’t sure and i was caught up in all the morals i have to think about and I’m afraid of catching feelings for him. Well guess what? I did. We haven’t talked since forever and our last conversation was shitty but i don’t know why, these days i miss him. Should i text him? I don’t want to come out as that kind of girl, plus risking my ex knowing that i message him. That would be pathetic. As if i just can’t get over him that i have to flirt with the closest thing of him that i can get my hands on. I’m stupid i know why should i do this to myself? Get over this shit girl. I’m trying to figure out why am i so into him? Is it because he was genuinely nice? Yes yes he is. But i know myself. I could like totally stop being into a guy for the littlest thing. And i can see things that should stop me being so into him but why am i still sooooo into him? I mean what is the thing that makes me cannot stop thinking about him? Or is the main reason for me was to get revenge on my ex? Is it possible that it is? Maybe. Well maybe honestly that could be it. But the thing is I'm okay of him not knowing an inch of this. Or maybe it’s just for my own pleasure? I don’t give a damn he knew it or not as long as i did.
But he didn’t message me ever since our last chat. It sucks. Should i say hi to him? But i should really read between the line no? If a guy wants you he’ll go after you and when he’s not i should know that it’s a no go. But i really want to talk to him and see him again even for one last time.
I told myself, maybe if i think enough of him he’ll sense my feelings somehow and he’ll message me. This is so stupid i know i am ashamed of myself.
He always came on the best time. First he messaged me on the day i was so depressed because of my ex that i actually invited someone from tinder to come to my house. The first time i actually called someone to have sex with, and before i get to do that he messaged me. Since then i felt better. When i was in indonesia too. After long time of not speaking, he messaged me all of the sudden when i was feeling kind of down because i just found out Gabe met my ex in a middle of his date. He shouldn’t messaged me because now i can’t stop thinking about him. Thinking i might still get a chance with him.
I shouldn’t do this to myself. This is not good for me. It’s toxic even. Stop please stop