The day i am not fine
i am generally happy. Even when I’m not, i’d like to make it look like i am fine. Unhappiness is all in the head right? Not today. Not this fine sunny day i am not. I felt something missing. It might be the the hormones going through my body releasing this bloody mess on my underwear or the fact that i am all alone at home right now or the fact that I’m fighting with gabriel or even the fact that I’ve been hiding a feeling to someone that I’m not suppose to. Might be one of those, or all of those.
I don’t like being unhappy, no one do. But for someone who’s always seem like life is all nothing but amazing, these kind of days just drags me down to the bottom of the earth feeling like I’m worthless, pathetic, lost, and all the bad things anyone could think of. I know it’s useless but in my head, i always have this obligation to look happy even when I’m not. I just want people to see that I’m strong despite all the shits going through my head. That i have to be this “role model” of how happy life can be. I know no one expect me to do so, but i do it more for myself. Because if not, i’d be this bitter girl who hates the world. I just realised, writting this post, I’ve never actually think about my happiness as so. I thought i was genuinely happy but these kind of days where I’m falling made me realised that i am not that happy girls as I’m seemed to be. There are more days that I’m genuinely happy as myself than I’m not but one hit of a day where I’m not fine makes me rethink about whatever there is in my life, like a pile of garbage getting too full that i have no choice but to let it out. That’s always my problem. I pile things up, trying to be patient on all things, just swing everything to the side but in fact, i just pile things up until it explodes. I put aside my problems, little or big, the things that annoys me, all the feelings but happiness that I’m feeling, i set them aside until there’s no more space for me to do so. I’m not happy realising this fact. But i need to slap myself that I’m not perfect, life is not as perfect, and even for someone like me, it’s okay to fall sometimes. Because that’s just a part of life, you fall and you get back up. I’m writing this post for myself, and honestly i am ashamed of the fact that I’m not genuinely happy at least not today. Has the meaning of happiness has shifted for me? Is it more of an obligation for me to be happy than actually feeling like i am? Maybe it’s just the sad me talking and i know when this kind of day has passed, i’d reread this post and goes “what? Why would i think that of myself?”. Anyway, i just want to say this to myself, it’s okay to be feeling down, as long as i can go back up again in no time.
I don’t like being unhappy, no one do. But for someone who’s always seem like life is all nothing but amazing, these kind of days just drags me down to the bottom of the earth feeling like I’m worthless, pathetic, lost, and all the bad things anyone could think of. I know it’s useless but in my head, i always have this obligation to look happy even when I’m not. I just want people to see that I’m strong despite all the shits going through my head. That i have to be this “role model” of how happy life can be. I know no one expect me to do so, but i do it more for myself. Because if not, i’d be this bitter girl who hates the world. I just realised, writting this post, I’ve never actually think about my happiness as so. I thought i was genuinely happy but these kind of days where I’m falling made me realised that i am not that happy girls as I’m seemed to be. There are more days that I’m genuinely happy as myself than I’m not but one hit of a day where I’m not fine makes me rethink about whatever there is in my life, like a pile of garbage getting too full that i have no choice but to let it out. That’s always my problem. I pile things up, trying to be patient on all things, just swing everything to the side but in fact, i just pile things up until it explodes. I put aside my problems, little or big, the things that annoys me, all the feelings but happiness that I’m feeling, i set them aside until there’s no more space for me to do so. I’m not happy realising this fact. But i need to slap myself that I’m not perfect, life is not as perfect, and even for someone like me, it’s okay to fall sometimes. Because that’s just a part of life, you fall and you get back up. I’m writing this post for myself, and honestly i am ashamed of the fact that I’m not genuinely happy at least not today. Has the meaning of happiness has shifted for me? Is it more of an obligation for me to be happy than actually feeling like i am? Maybe it’s just the sad me talking and i know when this kind of day has passed, i’d reread this post and goes “what? Why would i think that of myself?”. Anyway, i just want to say this to myself, it’s okay to be feeling down, as long as i can go back up again in no time.
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