Stone cold heart

I feel like i don’t cry enough. Not saying that i should be a cry baby which is good but i don’t know about you, but sometimes i just feel the need to cry, but no matter what i can’t. I’ve thought of sad things, nothing, i watched countless sad videos on youtube, nothing, my last resort was to stare into blankness without blinking and after a drop of tear, nothing else came. I know i know maybe the fact that i wanted to cry for no apparent reason is weird enough. But you know, sometimes when you’re not feeling at your best, when you had troubles and all, crying does actually helps. The last time i cried was 2 months ago, when Flo broke up with me. Oh boy did i cried long and hard. But after 3 days of full crying, nothing else came on the fourth day no matter how sad and broken i was. I wasn’t feeling better, and plus the fact that I’m not crying anymore just leave a hallow feeling inside me. I tried to make myself cry just to feel something but i can’t. I just can’t. I stopped crying after 3 days and that was the last of it. I haven’t cried ever since. I remember i had to actually pretend crying on like the 6th day because gabe was there. Not to get his attention (well maybe a liiiiiiittle bit) but my heart was actually aching so bad, i wanted to cry but nothing came. At all.
My sister used to cry about all things. Well mom said that she got a soft heart. She saw a video of a dog, she cried, she had a real deep conversation, she cried, she had a shitty day, she cried. But not me. Do i have a stone cold heart? Do i just stop feeling for things anymore?  I want to feel something.
The sad videos on YouTube doesn’t even make me cry, even some videos that would’ve made a waterfall on my face doesn’t work anymore. Why?? Is my heart that frozen? Not even when I’m pms-ing i feel like i wanted to cry. I mean, girls get overly sensitive during that time of the month but nothing for me. No-thing. Geez i felt like a fucking evil queen who doesn’t have a heart or something.
I want to feel something, i want to be able to cry after watching a sad movie. I want to not be so stone cold.